Monday, October 30, 2006

Making Baby Jesus Cry

So, I finally received my first Christian hate-mail (see second to last comment). Well, it's about bloody time! I mean, really. I've been working hard for over a year now to make this blog as religiously intolerant and offensive as I could, with descriptions of atheists eating the flesh of Christian babies to blasphemous references to Jesus's milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. And yet, not a single outraged reader has commented on what a sick twisted f*ck I am...that is, of course, until now. Okay, so maybe I'm overstating things a wee bit. The person in question (though her identity shall remain anonymous) was very polite and respectful (like any true child of God should be), and simply wished to voice her reservations about my frequent references to sex on this blog. Naturally, I have no clue what she's talking about. Me, make reference to sex?

Okay, so maybe the words “penis” and “vagina” have appeared on my blog a couple times, but is that any reason to call me obsessed? Why that's like labelling someone a misanthrope because they generally hate people. I mean, come on! Now usually, such benign criticism wouldn’t warrant much by way of a response on my part. However, I thought I should use this as an excuse opportunity to vent share a few things that piss me off carefully selected thoughts. What concerns me about my "anonymous" Christian Reader (and others like her) is that she's apparently so locked into her own worldview, that she's unable to appreciate the fact that other people don't share the values she does. Now for those of you who have never been very religious, you may not get a great deal of what follows. But as a former church minister myself (yes it's sad, but true), let's just say I've been there. So please bear with me as I take a few moments to have a brief heart to heart with my sister in the Lord.


Dear Anonymous Christian Reader,
I hope you’re sitting down, because what I’m about to say may shock you: Everyone does not believe the same things you do! Yes, I know this may be difficult for you to understand at the moment. But I’m going to go through this slowly…try to keep up.

You see, the world is more varied, complex and nuanced than your own blinkered worldview may sometimes make it appear to be, and many members of this varied, complex, nuanced world have beliefs and values (that’s right, values too) quite different from your own. As such, criticising them based on your values (values they may not themselves share) is like trying to convince someone who doesn't believe in the Koran (for example, you) that the Koran is the divinely inspired word of Allah by quoting passages from the Koran. In short, it just doesn't work! If you're going to persuade someone to accept your position, you first have to meet them where they are; just as the apostle Paul did in Athens when he preached to the gentiles about the “unknown god” (Acts 17:23). So, if you're really trying to win me for Jesus, I suggest that you begin by first removing your top...and we'll see how things go from there.

Now we may have our differences of opinion: You see sex as sacred while I see sex as the filthiest, most degrading act that two people who genuinely love and care about each other can share. But why can't we put aside these petty differences and focus on what's really important: Cheesecake! Because at the end of the day, sitting down and enjoying its rich artery-clogging goodness is all we really have.

10 comments:

mist1 said...

Hate mail means you're famous.

Nubian Nerd said...

I doubt you realise just how right you are. Just yesterday I learned that I was actually mentioned in a sermon over the weekend. What's more, the church in question happens to be thousands of miles away!

But my problem is that I always seem to achieve celebrity for the wrong reasons...like that time I went in for a check up and the doctor informed me that they'll be naming a new disease after me.

Cheerfully cynical said...

uhh.. that qualifies as hate mail? since when? no threats of decapitation, no damning to eternal hells, nothing. you've had better than that! what has happened to the righteous wrath that is the hallmark of the holier than thou devout?

Nubian Nerd said...

I know, it's quite pathetic as far as hate-mail goes. It's more like mildly-disagreeable-but-in-a-respectful-sort-of-way-mail. I'm beginning to feel I'm losing my edge.

warya said...

i like cheesecake, nubian.
i like cheesecake.

Nubian Nerd said...

Oh, you tease me so, Warya.
You tease me so.

L>T said...

I agree. pretty weak hate mail. your letter was great though.
Too bad anonymous didn't leave you any place to send it.
I did my post on Francis Bacon.
Amazing acomplishment! (his, not mine)

so you used to be a minister. really? which denomination?

Nubian Nerd said...

Yes L>T, I was briefly a ministerial intern (with my very own congregation and everything!). At the time I was affiliated with the Seventh-day Adventist church (if you're not familiar with Adventist, try to imagine a cross between Methodist and Jews for Jesus).

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Anonymous said...

Still haven't convinced me as yet that yours is a different world view. Still have simply proved to me that if one is not spiritual, then one ends up being carnal. Just my thoughts though.