Saturday, October 07, 2006

All About Longwickle's Friend, Hans Landsteiner (Part 1)

No less fascinating than the life of Edwin Longwickle, was that of his best friend and colleague, Hans Landsteiner. Hans was born in the small town of Fucking in Upper Austria (I swear that’s the name of an actual town, I’m not making this up), and is generally believed to be the son of Hanna and Jonas Landsteiner. As a child, Hans was both a bed-wetter and sleep-walker; urinating in up to twelve different beds in a single night.

A local psychologist diagnosed his chronic bed-wetting as stemming from childhood trauma, no doubt suffered when he accidentally walked in on his mother having sex with a head of broccoli. Things only grew worse shortly thereafter when his mother announced at a family gathering that Jonas Landsteiner wasn’t Hans’s real father. Hans, who already faced the challenge of being half Jewish in an era plagued by anti-Semitism, was now forced to come to terms with being half vegetable as well.

The revelation shocked all in attendance, prompting Jonas's infirmed mother to faint and his senile father to ask for a second helping of cake. Furious, Jonas kicked Hans and his mother out of their Fucking residence and they were forced to move in with Hanna’s botanical lover. A year later, Hans was sent to a boarding school in Petting, Bavaria, where he majored in Herbology and International Vegetable Affairs; hoping to reconnect with his lost family heritage. Hans also demonstrated an aptitude for languages and by the age of sixteen he was already conversant in seven, including Latin, Esperanto and Jamaican Creole. He was also elected president of his school's French club, whose weekly meetings consisted of reading the works of Madame de Lafayette and surrendering to the German club.

TO BE CONTINUED...

6 comments:

L>T said...

I'm happy to see the story continuing...1/2 vegatable is still LYAO funny. In the link to Fucking, it was mentioned that some people(anal sorts) wanted to change the name & were voted down.
That happened here in my town, too. We have a popular festival called The "Gay Ninties" held every year for our local Theatre which puts on melodramas of the "Perils of Pauline" type.
Anyway some local anals decided the word "gay" was politically incorrect & might create a wrong impression. I'm proud to say we nipped that bit of idioticy in the bud.

Nubian Nerd said...

Great story. You got to love how the meaning of words can change according to cultural context. At my undergrad in Trinidad the word "sprite" meant "French kiss". Once two very unkind local students had an American guy who was visiting for a semester go up to a young lady working in the cafeteria and ask for a "sprite". He returned with a confused look on his face and a red hand print across his cheek.

(Okay...I admit I was one of the local students.)

L>T said...

How can "sprite" mean french kiss? I'm stymied. (thinking of sprites as cute little fairys or a soft drink, only) I guess that means I'd fall for the trick, myself.
I guess the internet is the great equalizer. Google that.

mist1 said...

I have been to Fucking several times. Sometimes, I just drop in for a quick visit. Other times, I stay for awhile.

Here, in the grand state of Georgia (USA), we have a town by the name of Cumming. I cannot even type this without giggling.

L>T said...

more, more!

Nubian Nerd said...

Now, now...let's not be impatient! I took a five-day trip to the Scottish highlands and so I didn't have internet access. (You can check out my photoblog, Nubian Mirrors, for pics of my latest outdoor adventures.) But I suppose making you wait any longer would be as inconsiderate as tickling a woman while she was waiting in line to use the loo. So, without further ado, here's Hans.