Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Pfizer's New Penis Advertising Campaign: Got Dick?


Ladies,
Are you anxious? Do you have problems sleeping? Are the many stresses of life getting you down? Then perhaps it’s time to try Penis.

Clinical studies have shown that women who regularly use Penis lead longer, less stressful and more emotionally fulfilling lives. Penis has been shown to trigger the release of oxytocin (also known as the ‘cuddle chemical’), which heightens feelings of affection and the production of mood enhancing endorphins. Other benefits of Penis include improved sense of smell, cardiovascular health, increased amounts of immunoglobulin antibodies that ward off disease and (if used strategically) lifelong financial security.

Penis now comes in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and flavours—including French vanilla, butter pecan, hazelnut and dark chocolate. All Penises are specially designed for easy insertion into the orifice of your choice.

Negative side effects of Penis may include guilt, regret, unwanted pregnancy, or the person the Penis is attached to. Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities.

Penis is not for everyone. If you are a lesbian, you may find Penis aesthetically unappealing and the very sight of Penis may give rise to uncontrollable laughter. Laboratory tests suggest that for most males, Penis can seriously impair judgement, be a constant source of embarrassment when in the company of women, and in certain extreme circumstances (such as prison) be a literal pain in the arse. Penis is not approved by the FDA for use by children. If you are over 60 the use of Penis is still warmly encouraged, especially since the unwanted side-effects of Penis tend to sharply decrease with the onset of menopause.

Please consult your doctor to determine if Penis is right for you.

Penis: is it in you?

14 comments:

L>T said...

BTW, My daughter & I think that post is hilariously funny!

Nubian Nerd said...

Ah, bringing families together, in edifying wholesome fun…I think my work here is done.

L>T said...

she's 24, dammit!
Do you want to see a picture of her?

Nubian Nerd said...

Sigh. It pains me every time I have to do this, but the truth is I’m already taken and while I’m flattered by your offer, no photo of your daughter is necessary. (Please don’t take this personally; you’re actually the fourth mother to offer me their daughter this week.)

L>T said...

I wasn't offering her to you! jeez! do you have a big ego or what?

Nubian Nerd said...

Why does everyone complain about how arrogant I am? I only think highly of myself when it is absolutely necessary.

L>T said...

I don't know if you are arrogant, but you sure are funny.

I make myself laugh so I think i'm really funny.

(somewhere there's a correlation)

mist1 said...

Penis is one of my favorite animals. I have adopted several penises over the years. Sadly, many of them have run away.

Lizza said...

You forgot to mention that seminal cream is exceptionally rich in protein.

Nubian Nerd said...

Wow, I can’t believe I actually forgot to mention that crucial little tid bit! Thank you Lizza for your…um, penetrating insight?

Lizza said...

You are welcome. Can't be negligent when it comes to nutrition, can we? Found your blog via the great Prometheus, by the way. I'll be back. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Nubian, just wanted to say here that you seem to me to be a tad obssessed with carnality. As if to say that there is nothing sacred anymore. I like healthy discussion of sex and its issues but don't you think that sometimes you go a bit overboard now?

Looks to me like that very action of yours proves the need for spirituality. That it exists and I daresay that such actions show that Christianity exists. As, what is not spiritual is surely carnal and my, my, my, you surely seem to have gone real carnal since you seemed to have lost your spiritual bearings. Or am I just seeing things?

Nubian Nerd said...

Car-nal [kahr-nl] adj. - pertaining to the flesh; not spiritual; merely human; worldly.

Yep, that sounds just about right! But wait, was that supposed to be a bad thing? Or were you just complimenting me on the sly? You were complimenting me on the sly weren't you...you sneaky little devil! (eh um, only metaphorically speaking of course)

Anonymous said...

No worry, Nubian Nerd, I surely appreciate your incorrigible sense of humour.