Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Jesus's Match.com Profile

Tagline:
Hey Ladies, I’m the answer to your prayers…literally!

I am:
Man Son of God
Seeking: Woman
Between ages: 19-23


About Me:
First name:

Jesus

Last name:
Christ

Middle initial:
H.

Ethnicity:
Middle Eastern

Languages:
Aramaic, Hebrew, Spanglish

Body type:

A few extra pounds (after the resurrection, it was pretty much down hill)

Height:
5'5" (165.1cms)

Religion:
Formerly Jewish (recent convert to Scientology)

Body art:
Piercings

Exercise Exorcise habits:
3-4 demons per week (usually into a nearby herd of pigs)

Daily diet:
Loaves and fish

Drink:
Social drinker, mostly at weddings

Smoke:
The chronic baby (how do you think I came up with all those awesome parables)!

Interests:

Dining out, Walking on water, Movies and art exhibits, Looking fabulous, Being thanked by gangsta-rappers at award shows.

Favourite TV Shows:
Rescue Me, Smallville, House (I guess you could say I have a bit of a saviour complex)

Occupation:
Carpenter, the Alpha and Omega, part-time White-house advisor

Living Situation:
With roommates (St Peter, Moses, and my pet lama Mr. Diddles)

Something you don’t know about me:
The ‘H’ in my name stands for ‘Henry’.

What I’m Looking For:
After my short stint in rehab, I’m finally off the painkillers and ready to settle down with that special someone. What am I looking for? Well, the last woman I dated turned out to be a prostitute (that's rigth lil' miss Magdalene, I know all about your little late night "prayer sessions"), so I wouldn’t say the bar is exactly high. I just want a woman who is confident, mature, independent, and open-minded sexually. Between answering thousands of prayers, managing my dad’s furniture store, and working alongside President Bush to make the world a full colour-value safer, I’m really quite busy. But I also know that all work and no play makes JC a dull deity. Consequently, I’m looking for someone fun and adventurous who could add a little spice to my life. And to Gabriel and the other playa-hating angels who said JC has no game, all I have to say is: yes, my milkshake is better than yours!

9 comments:

Cheerfully cynical said...

What no death threats yet?! That's kind of sad in a way isn't it? Doesn't anyone venture in the mire that is your brain?! Why, cruel world, why?

Nubian Nerd said...

I was just thinking the same thing myself, but then I noticed that my profile views recently jumped from a meagre 260 to (an equally meagre) 281. So now I’m guessing that the lack of death threats is due to the fact that I’ve already alienated all my ultra-conservative right-wing religious readers. Perhaps it had something to do with that post about how I lost my faith…or that time I fed a bowl of frozen embryos to my pet gay Christian-baby-eating atheist dingo. (Either way, it seems like the only readers I have left are a bunch of post-Hindu pagans from the so-called rice-bowl of India.)

Cash said...

I know this one, I know this one! The Messiah is ... Harrison Ford! The carpentry tipped me off.

L>T said...

well gee, you make Jesus sound like fun. I always thought he'd be a boring guy. So he wants a woman that is confident, mature, independent, and open-minded sexually? between the ages of 19-23?

Good Luck Jesus!

Cheerfully cynical said...

you have one fake hindu friend-- unless that is, you have decided to convert one of the voices in your head.

Anonymous said...

I don't think these sporadic blog entries are enough, in fact I am quite sure that there is a market for your mind. So, here is a suggestion, for all those of us who are hopelessly hooked on your musings, give us a typical day in the life of the Nubian Nerd. I am simply dying to know what happens from the time the PJs come off to the time they go back on (but then again ... DO YOU EVEN WEAR PJS?)

HUMOR ME ... what makes you tick kid, and can you write me match.com profile?

Anonymous said...

Boobian Bird? :D

Serena said...

Ha!

If you have the time and you can actually find it, you should check out this short film called Jesus Henry Christ. I think you'd get a kick out of it.

Nubian Nerd said...

Thanks for stopping by Serena. I'll run a google search on that film short you mentioned.

Cheers