Monday, January 22, 2007

I'm Afraid There's Someone Else

Okay, I have a confession to make. There is another blog! She's one of those New Blogger blogs. She's sleek, sexy, and she treats me well. That explains why I'm never around anymore. I'm sorry.

Currently, I'm in the process of slowly transferring posts from this blog to the new one, so there isn't anything there yet that you haven't seen. The blog would have a slightly different tone to this one, particularly since it's linked to my academic blog network (yes, there is even a nerdier side to me than what you see here!) However, there are certain "special" needs that only my darling Mescaline could meet. (This is where I can truly be myself, in all of my curmudgeonly, sexually-preoccupied yet coitally-challenged glory!) Consequently, I plan to keep her running as well. However, things will continue to be slow-going here until I fully get the other blog off the ground.

In the mean time, I invite you to check out my Expat Interview, which Lizza so graciously invited me to take part in...I'm not sure she realised just what she was getting herself into, poor girl. Enjoy!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Let's Get Re-acquainted

I do tend to leave a distinct impression on people, mostly because I'm a bit weird. (Unfortunately, I don't belong to the right tax bracket to warrant the appellation 'eccentric'). But since I've been away for a while, I thought this was a good time for us to get re-acquainted. Actually, the truth is that a week ago a 'friend' sent me this bloody tag and kept hounding me to fill it in (its amazing just how annoying the persistence of a single person could be) and so here are my answers to her questions:

1. Your first name? Shut up (or at least that's what I thought the first ten years of my life)

2. Were you named after anyone? 'Avery'. Hmmm, let me think. A brand of stationary?

3. What is the weather like right now? I live in Scotland. Enough said.

4. What are your favourite colours? Purple and Indigo. But my arch nemesis is Orange. I hate Orange!

5. What is your favourite type of food? East Indian (those people taste great!)

6. What was your favourite toy as a child? The microwave and toaster my parents gave me as bath toys.

7. When you were a child, were you very curious? Definitely! I kept trying to figure out why those nice people at social services took my parents away.

8. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? According to my IQ test scores I could've been a nuclear physicist, but there were too many good shows on TV.

9. What is your shoe size? Getting cheeky aren't we?

10. What are you listening to right now? I swear, you ask me what I'm wearing and I'm done with this survey.

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Nope. Not even when my old supervisor, Michael Harper (address: 112 JFK Drive, Riverdale, Bronx; social security number: 068-78-9806; wife's name: Colene Harper), told me that he contracted herpes from a prostitute. To this day, I still haven't told a single person about that! (Your secret's safe with me Mike. Prick!)

12. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? In my case, I would have to say sex-ed.

13. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself? No, but I'd totally do me though.

14. What is your least favourite thing you like about yourself? I give too much. sigh

15. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Indigo. And my supreme goal would be to rid the world of all orange crayons. Did I mention I hate orange.

16. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their personality and political views.

17. Do looks matter? Diane always said she loved me for my mind. Sniff sniff.

18. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Me? Sarcastic?

19. What are your (acceptable) nicknames? 'Oh Great One' and 'My Lord'

20. Does being up high make you anxious? I've never been afraid of heights, but weights totally freak me out!

21. When did you last cry? The day I learned that Pamela Anderson contracted Hepatitis.

22. Last person you talked to on the phone? My therapist. And if you don't know why, re-read this post.

23. Do you like the person who sent this to you? See answer to question 13. (Which, incidentally, is pretty much how I feel about most people I meet.)

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year! (2007)

Hi Y'all,
This is the Nerd coming to you from Britain's own third-world country, Scotland. (I’ve lived here long enough to get past the initial novelty inspired ‘ooh, ahhh’ phase, and I've finally settled into the calm cynicism that comes from being in any country for a lengthy period of time.) Anyway, as promised I am coming out of reitirement just in time to post my annual New Years greeting (can you believe this is my fourth year carrying out this great tradition?) For all of you first-timers, it goes something like this: the US president has the State of the Union, the Queen mum has her Christmas address, and I have my New Years message. It's that simple. And as always, I have a list of lessons I've learned from the year gone by, which I offer to you now free of charge (though generous donations are encouraged).

But first, I have to announce that Diane and I are over! It was more a difference of opinion really; I thought it was okay to sleep with her best friend, and she didn't agree. I kid, I kid. No one cheated on anyone. In fact, it was a completely mutual and amicable parting (and if you believe that that's even possible, then I have twelve magic stones I'll like to sell to you...only thirty pounds each!) Anyway, when added to Sophia and Bertha, that brings the total number of break-ups last year to three, which if you're keeping track, is a new record for me. But don't worry, I'm not resting on my laurels; this year I'm aiming for six! Which brings me to my first lesson learned:

I've learned that chances are she's just not that into you when you're talking to her on the phone and she says she has to go because there’s a telemarketer on the other line.

I've learned that after a breakup, most women expect from you at least two weeks of depression before you hook up with someone new, though they also consider going into counselling and lifelong celibacy nice gestures.

I've learned that when you’re in a foreign country it is always the little things that get you, like the missing ‘American Standard’ label on the tank of the toilet.

I've learned that when it comes to politics, the facts tends to exceed the American public's curiosity, and while everyone loves a good Armageddon every now and then, the rapture just isn't an exit strategy.

I've learned that Christmas just isn't as Christmasy when you're away from your family. (Though I suppose it couldn't be worse than opening presents on Christmas morning two thousand years ago at Jesus's house: “a pair of socks, thanks…you know I’m dying for your sins right?”)

Last, but not least, I've learned that it is always a good idea to keep your friends and loved ones close by, especially when you foresee needing to burrow money in the near future. It is for this reason that, this year, I aim to be the kind of friend that is always there when he needs you.

Happy New Year and all the best for 2007!!

P.S.: Checks should be made out to the “Give Nubian Nerd money just for the heck of it foundation”.