Friday, February 02, 2007

Why God Hates Me

My Reply to L>T's Tag


My Christian friends assure me that God loves me. I really want to believe them, but then I look in the mirror. Sigh. So here are the top five reasons I think God hates me.

Number 5: Because I'm black. So I've tried to put the whole “curse of Ham” thing behind me. But now, God has resorted to stealing my socks from the dryer. I didn't think anything of it, until I learned that my white flat-mate still has all of his. Now I'm furious!

Update: Since then God has assured me that He thinks “I’m articulate, bright and clean…heck, I'm like a walking storybook!” I feel much better now.

Number 4: Because my milkshake is better than His. So God and I were at this club and in walks this sonsie sista with the kind of hind quarters that rap videos are made of. (You know the big guy loves the ladies with a little junk in da trunk!) I'll spear you the details of what transpired next, but suffice it to say that at the end of the night I got the girl's phone number and God didn't. In your face Almighty!

Update: I later discovered that the phone number was a fake. But I'm assuming God had something to do with it, the all-powerful bastard!

Number 3: Because I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. So a number of us were over at God's house watching the game. Jesus had been doing his whole water-to-wine thing all evening, so everyone was pretty liquored up. Inhibitions were low and we were all taking turns recounting some of our past “adventures”. Krishna had just finished talking about the time he hooked up with that sweet little number during a trip to South America, circa 1200 BC. It was God's turn, and the deity was attempting to hold out on us. “Come on Yahweh, give us the dirt!” Moses prodded. “Yeah Big Man, got any virgins pregnant lately?” I added, only then noticing that Mrs God had just walked into the room. She didn't say a word, but from the look on her face it was clear that later that night there would be hell to pay…literally! (She never did forgive him for the whole Mary affair.)

Number 2: Because I didn't let Him copy off my paper during our Freshman year Chemistry finals. Jehovah was like, “man, I totally didn't study for this exam, let me see your answers.” And I was all, “Dude, You're omniscient...and You created everything!” And He was like, “yeah, but last night my room-mate scored the best pot ever and...yo, can I have those chips?”

Update: Really great pot also explains the existence of the duck-billed platypus and the Aurora Borealis.

Number 1: Because of all those times I doubted Him. I believe it first began when we were still in high school. Back then God was still going through his Old Testament phase and was notoriously insecure. One morning He entered the cafeteria, walked over to my table and announced proudly, “Last night I made this new galaxy and it’s the best one I’ve made yet. Tell me honestly Nerd, if I keep getting better at creating planets and stuff, do you think I’ll eventually get my own talk show and become as famous as Oprah?” Always the sceptic, I responded: “well, maybe You shouldn’t get Your hopes up too high Lord.” At which point, God overturned His tray and shouted, “You never believe in me…I hate you!” He then ran out of the cafeteria in tears.

Update: Fifteen years later, and the Most High still hasn’t gotten his own talk show. No Wonder God hates me!

I Tag Mizfit, Lizza and Mist1. (Update: See Mist1's reply to this tag in the comments.)

11 comments:

mist1 said...

Thank you Sir, may I have another.

Mind if I answer here? I didn't think so. G*d tolerates me. But if you catch Him in a foul mood, he'll tell you that He has a strong dislike for me for the following reasons:

1. I never should have called that girl "Chicken Wing," no matter how much her little deformed arm looked like one. I was a mean kid.

2. G*d does not approve of it when I scream out, "Oh G*d, f*ck me!"

3. Sitting in the snow in a bikini and claiming to be fundraising for literacy when really I just wanted vodka money is not a good Christian thing to do.

4. That whole incident with my best friend and her boyfriend was pretty bad. Well, the incident wasn't bad, but she didn't really appreciate it.

5. Mostly, G*d is just bitter that I've never hit on Him. I keep blowing off His advances, "I'm saving the best for last, Lord" I always tell him. Then I ask him to grant me sh*t like miracles and shoes and crap.

Anonymous said...

I have been meaning to propose to you for a while now, so here goes - Can I marry your mind? I mean seriously dude, I want to make babies with you brain cells, I promise I won't make the process complicated :-).

Question: Do yo ever think that maybe one day the Almighty will become tired of your shots and shoot back?

Nubian Nerd said...

Anonymous,
I think that's the best compliment you could give a cerebrally inclined bloke like myself...especially since I consider my brain my second favourite body organ!

Answer: Oh, and its actually the other way around. I've spent the last 27 odd years as God's dartboard. Now, I'm just returning the favour.


Ah Mist1,
You never disappoint. Incidentally, the above anonymous marriage proposal pretty much captures how I feel about your mind. What's that? You'll like me to have your body as well? Okay...if you insist.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Somewhat scared to comment on here incase i suddenly lose all my humor and end up sounding like a great big jerk.

God. Heh.

Funny

L>T said...

Hi there! sorry it took me a couple of days to get to you...

Pretty damn funny! :) :) :)

I knew YOU could come up w/some good ones.

Mist1's were really damn good, too!

You guys kill me. :)

Damn is my new favorite word.

mist1 said...

Am completely smitten.

I do.

Lizza said...

Good heavens, this sure is one irreverent tag.

Loved both yours and Mist1's answers.

Also, can you spare me a few brain cells? Especially the ones responsible for that wicked sense of humor.

Turnbaby said...

Too too

Hey wait--you're not Barack Obama!!

Nubian Nerd said...

Lizza,
Locked away in my ivory tower I sometimes forget that some people still regard these subjects as sacred. Oops. But don't blame me, it was all L>T's idea, the big atheist! Okay, so maybe I'm a “big atheist” too, but in truth I have absolutely nothing against the deity. (Though, between you and me, sometimes I think He could choose much better followers.)

BTW, why does everyone just want my mind? Now my body is jealous. I make a perfectly good boy-toy you know...and you don't even need to change my batteries every three months!

Turnbaby,
Yeah, I get that all the time. Thanks for dropping by. Mind if I add you to the list of chicks I love to blogger?

Paula said...

Wow... just stubbled upon this blog with your usual search of God Hates Me!!! and while I was originally searching out of self-pity (yuck, yuck, yuck) you guys had me laughing and knowing that while HE may tune to my channel for comedic relief (HE has a wicked sense of humor) I ain't the only one. So I'll take my loney days, fucked up ovaries, and incredibly creative self on with my day... Thanks ya'll....

Anonymous said...

Is there really such a thing as professional onanism? I think I'm totally qualified, and would love to get paid for it!

Jack Hoff