Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year! (2007)

Hi Y'all,
This is the Nerd coming to you from Britain's own third-world country, Scotland. (I’ve lived here long enough to get past the initial novelty inspired ‘ooh, ahhh’ phase, and I've finally settled into the calm cynicism that comes from being in any country for a lengthy period of time.) Anyway, as promised I am coming out of reitirement just in time to post my annual New Years greeting (can you believe this is my fourth year carrying out this great tradition?) For all of you first-timers, it goes something like this: the US president has the State of the Union, the Queen mum has her Christmas address, and I have my New Years message. It's that simple. And as always, I have a list of lessons I've learned from the year gone by, which I offer to you now free of charge (though generous donations are encouraged).

But first, I have to announce that Diane and I are over! It was more a difference of opinion really; I thought it was okay to sleep with her best friend, and she didn't agree. I kid, I kid. No one cheated on anyone. In fact, it was a completely mutual and amicable parting (and if you believe that that's even possible, then I have twelve magic stones I'll like to sell to you...only thirty pounds each!) Anyway, when added to Sophia and Bertha, that brings the total number of break-ups last year to three, which if you're keeping track, is a new record for me. But don't worry, I'm not resting on my laurels; this year I'm aiming for six! Which brings me to my first lesson learned:

I've learned that chances are she's just not that into you when you're talking to her on the phone and she says she has to go because there’s a telemarketer on the other line.

I've learned that after a breakup, most women expect from you at least two weeks of depression before you hook up with someone new, though they also consider going into counselling and lifelong celibacy nice gestures.

I've learned that when you’re in a foreign country it is always the little things that get you, like the missing ‘American Standard’ label on the tank of the toilet.

I've learned that when it comes to politics, the facts tends to exceed the American public's curiosity, and while everyone loves a good Armageddon every now and then, the rapture just isn't an exit strategy.

I've learned that Christmas just isn't as Christmasy when you're away from your family. (Though I suppose it couldn't be worse than opening presents on Christmas morning two thousand years ago at Jesus's house: “a pair of socks, thanks…you know I’m dying for your sins right?”)

Last, but not least, I've learned that it is always a good idea to keep your friends and loved ones close by, especially when you foresee needing to burrow money in the near future. It is for this reason that, this year, I aim to be the kind of friend that is always there when he needs you.

Happy New Year and all the best for 2007!!

P.S.: Checks should be made out to the “Give Nubian Nerd money just for the heck of it foundation”.


Sexytrinilady said...

Happy New Years to you also, Today we are all opening a New Book, its pages are blank.It is up to us to put words on it,live each day with passion, like each breath could just be the last, smile more, and do something you always wanted to do this year. Happy New Year.

mist1 said...

I'm always up for a good break up. Call me. It will be a memorable three months. I swear.

L>T said...

Hi & Happy new Year! this post reminded me how much I missed your sense of humor. I'd say sorry for the break-up but, you don't seem that broken up.
& I was predicting your marriage, even. Boy is my face red!

Nubian Nerd said...

If my life is going to be a book, can we at least make it something you would find in the adult section? I honestly can't remember the last time I got some.

Are you trying to take advantage of me in my heartbroken vulnerable state? Please?

Sure I may be smiling, getting drunk off of tequila shots and making out with strange women I just met 15 minutes ago on the outside...but on the inside I'm really still hurting.

mist1 said...

I thought you'd never ask.

Cheery Cynic said...

3 break ups! there with my two (one real and two half break ups) i was feeling sorry for myself.

i have questions though - where can i find these women i can make out with after 15 minutes?

clearly i hv lot to learn great master- but then physicists always follow philosophers.

how comes along the thesis? (or is that question censored)

(cheery cynic NOT cheerfully cynical)

Lizza said...

Six breakups for the year, that's a girl every two months. You're getting started already, aren't you?

I don't think I've ever had a "friend" like you, haha!

Nubian Nerd said...

Cheery cynic,
The trick is to find the loud, giggly, incoherent ones who keep falling over themselves. Once they've wiped the bits of vomit from the corners of their mouth, its welcome to make-out heaven. (Incidentally, that's also how I met my last girlfriend!)

Apparently, my dissertation insists on making me its bitch. Enough said.

Actually, my relationships typically end quite well...except for the incident, but my lawyer says I'm not supposed to talk about it.