Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Security Alert

Today, the St Andrews police (i.e., the real Scotland Yard) reported that someone was rubbed by a gang of ruffians somewhere on campus. They therefore warned students to be extra careful when walking home late at night from the ‘library’ (which is one of the many Scottish words for ‘pub’). Try as I may, I can’t bring myself to take their admonition seriously. Can you imagine leaving Harlem, New York only to be mugged on the mean streets of…Fife? How would I ever be able to look at my own reflection in the mirror knowing that I was held up by three men wearing plaid skirts? But let me not make light of the affair, since gang violence of any stripe is always a serious matter—especially when kilts and bagpipes are involved. What’s worse, according to the police reports the entire ordeal took much longer than was necessary since halfway through the mugging the assailants had to break for tea, returning to finish up the crime a full twenty-five minutes later. This was of course a great inconvenience to the victim, who had to wait the entire time in the cold dark alleyway until the bandits returned. But at least one of the hoodlums was thoughtful enough to bring the muggee back a scone as a token of apology for making him wait.


Charlie said...

I bothered my husband while he was trying to concentrate on something completely different to read this post aloud to him. :)

Hank said...


This article says Scotland has the highest crime rate in the developed world. I'm in the US. Maybe I can send you a few guns???

Nubian Nerd said...

Hi Hank from the US,
Fortunately, I live on the upper East Coast of Scotland. Most of the drunken I’m going to carve you up like a pot-roast types are further out west. Apparently it doesn’t matter what part of the world you’re in, the more civilised lot tend to inhabit the Northeast.